Resolution of a Conflict. |
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Date:Mon, 13 Aug 2001 From Anonymous Writer: "I would like to share with all of you on the 11.11 List this very, very personal story of my life. I do so hope it will strengthen your faith in the ever-present Love and Desire of our Heavenly Parents to heal us all -- Their children -- as They did for me. My spiritual life took off with gusto just four years ago when I found the Urantia Book and when I was introduced to the Teaching Mission and to a Course in Miracles. "Stillness time", being in daily communion with our Heavenly Parents, became my "Religion" and, of course, They knew my troubled mind and heart and soul. I have documented my background, and the wonderful spiritual experience that came my way in this writing below. The Patriarchal Society It would come as no surprise to many women that serious conflict is often experienced between mother and daughter in those families where "he" is the boss, the patriarch, the decision maker. My father was that decision maker for all his family. My mother's position in the family was simply that of a wife, a mother, a homemaker. She was subservient to him in every respect. But times are slowly changing. This is now, and that was then. And, yes, the male "chauvinistic streak" will still be obvious for many generations. It still goes on, but there are promising changes in our culture. The Sensitive One I grew up in this male-dominated environment where there was a constant feeling of safety, and, above all, there was love for me - a sensitive, giving, "pliable", and rather emotional child. And this drew the fullness of my mother's inborn need to nurture and protect. It seemed I was the one child of all her brood that needed the reassurance of safety and love. Both parents were dedicated to the task of bringing up their children, but they tended to smother the one offspring - the sensitive child, the psychic child, the caring child -- they saw as a weakling. Seemingly, I needed more care, more love, more protection than did my siblings. They were dedicated. I grew up, married and migrated with my husband and three small children to the United States, leaving behind all those I knew in the Netherlands. That decision took strength and courage on my part. Surprise! I was not a weakling after all. Several times, my ageing Mom and Dad came to visit me in my new country, and how I enjoyed those visits! How I loved my parents, and missed them, too. Nothing Changed On each of those visits my mother again took on the position of nurturer, carer and protector. Once again, I became "her little girl". In 1976 - and by this time I was 39 years old and about to also become a grandmother - my parents returned for yet another visit. This time, I could no longer fit into the pathetic roll of being her "fragile little one", and so I spoke up. I had so hoped we might at last open up a dialog, as
between two adults -- grown women truly sharing and communicating.
It was not to be. She was dreadfully offended and the floodgates burst.
Her pent-up frustration, anger and bitterness of a lifetime of oppression
were poured out Eating Humble Pie It had never been my intention to hurt her feelings. Once more I needed to assume the roll of being her little girl, of "crawling onto the Cross". And in my martyrdom I begged her for forgiveness. She did not let me off so easily. She expected to achieve feelings of total humiliation on my part. And she got just what she wanted. It became so very ugly. It was madness. It was hell. And both of us equally participated in this absolute charade. We were both "guilty as charged" in that sick and deplorable scene, yet we were both innocent. When finally she was satisfied with the utter degradation I now visibly felt, and for just a moment in time, I saw triumph in her eyes. There was victory over me. She had won. But then she knew, and as surely as I did, that both of us were losers in this deadly emotional game. Just A Truce We managed to somehow pick up the pieces. Our love for each other was always safe in God's hands. My mother just never could, or would, understand that all I wanted was to be closer to her. Just a few years later, she was dying of cancer, and in 1982 she died of her illness and moved on to our Mansion Worlds. My husband and I visited her in the last few months of her life on this planet. Sadly, I was unable to connect with her on a soul level. It took me some months after her passing before I could finally cry all the tears I had saved up for so many years. I felt deeply distressed with the realization that my mother and I had achieved only a truce, not ever a lasting peace. I finally did break down, and in the presence of my daughter, who has since had a beautiful dream about her grandmother. The three of us are united in Spirit now, but for me that only happened after my OBE of about two years ago. "We Were So Silly!" One morning, while in stillness and not particularly addressing "That Ugly Scene of Long Ago", I quite suddenly found myself in a place like a "tunnel" - a "highway", a "connection" of Spirit Light - where there were Spirit Personalities present. They did not even identify themselves to me. And, also, I did not experience going anywhere. I had simply already arrived! Suddenly, a message came to me from my mother, but she was not directly speaking to me. The message was being relayed, and she was also conscious of her message being passed onto me. This connection was very real for both of us in that we both seemed to unerringly know each other's minds. As I experienced this "connection" with my mother, I could actually see her. She was no longer the aged woman I had known. She was young again, in her prime, radiant and smiling, and beautiful. There was light radiating from her. She was sharing with me the great joy at her being given this freedom of expression in that mindal connection. Her message told me: "I understand it now. We were so silly!" I also felt that she is very happy now, and joyfully working, and growing in the service of Michael. She seemed to know about my life here, because she said, "You have a lot of work to do." She was clearly hinting at my spiritual work for the good of myself, and of my family and of my world. On my part, I was unable to relate anything to her, other then my profound surprise, relief and happiness. I then became conscious of my being returned to my body by the loving Spirit Beings, and I protested, saying, "No! No! It's so nice here. I want to stay." But gently and lovingly I was being moved back into my body and told, "It's Okay. It's Okay. You can come here again at any time." And I know that this is so. Ever since that wonderful event, and whenever I think of her, I "see" her as she was in that blessed vision - so young and full of life. Thank You I am so very grateful to Father, Michael and our Mother Spirit for this extraordinary healing that took place. Thank You! And I know that when it is my time to leave this world, and when I wake up on the Mansion Worlds, my dear Mom will be greeting me. We will embrace, we will laugh, and we will say, "We were so silly!" And thank you for letting me share my story with you all.
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